How about this—to make this a real honest-to-Goodness blog, I will make a log entry, on the web. A web log, if you will.
I am currently:
- Working on a stressful project at work.
- Being a parent. (Fun but tiring!)
- In pain because I tweaked my shoulder reaching for the nightstand??
- Old.
- Looking for houses during a heat wave—tiring, but I do love to imagine spending vast sums of money, so it’s not all bad.
I’m also taking mind-altering substances for the first time in my life, and this bullet point grew too large so now it’s a paragraph. Specifically, I am taking Wellbutrin/bupropion—I guess it’s an anti-depressant. No, I’m not depressed. Doc thinks maybe I have ADHD, but this is easier/safer than Adderall, so we’re trying this first as a way to fix insufficient serotonin uptake, which might help with motivation. I haven’t noticed anything so far except my tolerance of coffee has gone down (which, yes, does suck).
The concept that I might have a clinical diagnosis to explain my lifelong inability to motivate myself to do boring but important things (like homework) feels like…my heart is lighter, I guess. I’m hopeful. Less ashamed. Actually, I’m excited. I’m daydreaming about being on Adderall and suddenly being productive—suddenly being able to finish projects that I start, and focus my energy on the things I know I should be doing. I would be……unstoppable. At least, in my mind. Look, I’m so optimistic, I’m even writing a !@#$ing blog post pouring out my guts about an extremely personal topic as if I won’t be cringing at myself in less than a week.
Well, here’s to hoping.